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I wrote about love, or better said, I wrote about my doubts about love.
At that time I was lost with my feelings. I noticed that I didn't know what means to love someone. I had a long-distance relationship for almost tree years with a girl, but short before moving finally together in the same city after ours studies, I woke up. What do I feel for her, what did I feel for her, what does love mean exactly ? What was clear for me, is that I wasn't in love with her (anymore?).
I remained confuse. I read so much about love and relationship. But I never experienced it. What is love ? I didn't find it out, so after our breaking up, I decided to have fun, girls, parties.
I had good time especially with one, but we couldn't understand each other because I was very lost with myself. Very fucked up indeed. I didn't want any "perspective", I kept on talking about the uncertainty of human relationships, I didn't want to plan anything. Anyway, I felt since the beginning that this wouldn't be a serious story. But on the other side, I could feel that I wouldn't be happy if I would drive my life for ever like that.
A bit later in a lesbian party, I met Diane. A that time I was cold, still wired. But I liked her. I stayed at her place because we enjoyed each other's company. Diane is a very sensitive person that believes in love. I laughed at her. We kept on repeating to each other "this is just fun". But I startet to miss her more and more when we wern't together. Little by little some feelings started to grow in me. I repressed them, as I always did in my whole life. I learn when I was small that my head should always be stronger than my emotions. It is true that when you can controll yourself you have an easier life. But I kind of overdid it ! My head was killing my emotions.
This time was different. Diane showed me (unconsciously) that it was ok to feel, it was good. My oldself still wanted to controll, to be cool (now I would say "rude"), but little by little, I let myself feeling more and more.
One time, we went tripping. On E. This small pill liberated in me very strong feelings, that you could compare with the love passion. It was a chemical reaction, sure. But that night, I felt these feelings for the first time in my life. I thought "this is wonderful!" This experience was what I needed to blow up my last barrier. I experienced one time that feeling. I wanted it again. Sober ! I surely would have found the path to love without this trip. But the trip accelerated the process.
Two months after I met Diane I was madly in love with her. And everyday this love gets stronger. Trough her, her way to be, to feel, to live, I discoverd my own feelings. I learned to love her, unconditionally. And I'm really gratefull for that, it changed my whole life.
And it is not finished ! I found something "wired" in me : the wish to have a stronger link with her. Our "story for fun" became a real and deep love relationship. But it seemed not to be enough. I wanted to commit to her, to marry her. To shout to the world that I really mean it, and that I would do everything to make us happy in this relationship.
We got married last july. And now I can say : I believe in love and this is the most precious thing in this universe.